Strumming neatly organized rows of color coded clothing, I stand in the closet stumped. Last year, I lamented the thought of purging items I couldn’t fit, but thankfully today that’s not the case. Fit is not the issue. For the first time in quite some time, I don’t have any real body issues I want to talk about (didn’t say I don’t have them, I just don’t want to talk about them). I’m standing here looking crazy because I have seemingly lost the ability to dress for winter weather 😳
I love the winter. However, I can’t stop looking like a tourist in my new hometown. Either, I have on too many layers or not enough. Three days out of five I am unprepared for my commute, which forces me to pace, shiver, and inspect the ash which seems to appear out of nowhere on any skin that is left exposed.
There may be a few reasons for these continual gaffes; recent relocation being the most obvious and I’ve commuted by vehicle for over 15 years, so the weather really didn’t matter that much.
I mean seriously, who would have thought a train platform could be such a brutally cold place? Okay, I knew, but I forgot!
This lack of preparedness is so frustrating to me though, because it feels like a mirror into my personal life.
It’s been six months since we parted ways and although I thought I was prepared to leave, life seems determined to prove me wrong. Truthfully though, who is ever really “prepared” to leave their marriage. Its just something that you do. You may really want to leave but expectations vs. reality are often grossly mismatched.
I put in a great deal of work to prepare within the constructs of my marriage, but what was to happen when that was done. What happens to the work? How do I redeem the time? What am I to do next when plan A-ZZ failed? How do I manage these very human emotions?
Well everyone is different, but I choose to forget the former things, to not remember the old things, and give God room to do a new thing (Isaiah 43:19). It’s working out pretty well! I won’t lie, it felt like hell in the beginning, because I was so accustomed to the idea that I control something/ anything in my life. Once I managed those expectations, things went a lot smoother.
I had to accept that if I trusted another human with my future, surely I could trust God too. It’s still a little difficult surrending my will and feeling unprepared all the time. However, the more time you spend building relationship, the more you trust, the more you trust, the easier it is to surrender.
One thing I will say though, unlike when I trusted another human, although I might feel temporarily unprepared, insufficiently covered, and insecure; throughout this entire process I can say with certainty that I have always been provided for.