Look not only am I a tad old fashion; but I like jazz, I find libraries to be the sexiest places on earth, I thrive on intelligent conversation, I am super creative…
AND at this moment very single.
Friday morning I was sitting on the train realizing that “he” wasn’t what I wanted (for the millionth time). We’re the best of friends but that’s about it. To complicate things; dating/ kicking it/ hooking up (whatever it’s called today) is not really an area in which I thrive. It’s my fault though. I’m mildly unappproachable, picky, and hella quirky.
Now if I had dough to blow I’d hire a Patti, because frankly dating now is foreign to me. Give me a room full of potentials and let me smell, touch, and squeeze them; you know like you do to the produce at your favorite farmer’s market. But alas, matchmakers are out of my budget so here I am trusting my romantic future to a millennial’s API.
Why was it a secret though?!
I lowered the brightness on my phone and held it in a manner where onlookers couldn’t judge me, even contemplated picking up a privacy screen on my way to work to ensure I could lurk in peace. I smiled to myself at the absurdity of it all considering the likelihood that 70% of the people around me are members of the very sites I was “researching”.
Um, I forgot I’m hella shy too!
Honestly, my heart raced and I nearly hyperventilated when a few folks asked me to join them for coffee during a brief stint on Shapr. I’m really ashamed of my lack of composure considering most of these requests came from females. After my embarrassing display on the networking platform, I quickly deleted the app and pledged my alligence to LinkedIn.
However, I convinced myself I’m a bada$$, did a few low key warrior poses and recommited to the task which has now become my social experiment. Trying to decide on an app is super difficult. I’m not interested in downloading 25 of these things to my phone, testing each one out, and so forth. So I spent hours Friday trying to decide which would work for me.
Eventually I settled on:
Tinder: mostly because I was really curious
Happn: because I prefer the illusion that we “just happened” to cross paths
Bumble: I just liked the Queen B reference
All systems go
Let me get Happn out the way first…boring I deleted it in less than 12 hours.
Now on to Bumble and Tinder. Note they feel darn near the same, except the woman must reach out first on Bumble. I needed to get through the weekend, so Friday I had a “canned” intro on both sites prepared.
Real low key; like Hi, Hello, Hey….I would go through the extra trouble of typing their name if they “super liked” me though.
As an added perk, the guys on Bumble tried to mask their “creepy” for a little longer than those in Tinder.
Super Fun: Swiping is addictive, it’s even more hilarious when you see a man you know in “real life” and read their little tag lines.
Crazy ego booster: I never use notifications, they’re annoying. However, I turned them on and the first two hours had a bih feeling herself, literally.
It was almost non-stop. I got my first super like and had to Google what the hell that was. Yet, it didn’t matter I liked getting them even if I couldn’t figure out who the heck it was from (I did eventually figure it out though..you have to continue swiping and you’ll see a card with a star on it). And yes I figured it out by “super liking” someone I didn’t “regularly like” and guess what “It’s a Match”! Lucky me.
I was looking at some of these men like #issasnack and then when it came up a match…Ooooowwww! I became #CardiB while #EdSheeran was performing at the VMAs.
I became so excited at one point, I dove back into the era of The Box (if you’re thinking about the app you’re too young) and had my younger colleagues CTHU as I danced and quoted Trina, Patra, and the original QB.
Interesting people: I’m not certain I would have engaged with some of my matches in my everyday life (read: good looking men from every race).
My phone was chirping constantly, which was only cute the first two hours.
I mean, I get it I’m attractive. It became akin to Moto Moto telling Gloria she is huge in Madagascar (which was compliment for a Hippo). She’s like that’s cute, but after the 25th time I mean do you have anything else to say.
I am straight grateful for the Melmans in my life after this weekend.
Swiping became a mindless activity after awhile.
I had a mild panic attack when I sent the wrong message to an unintended recipient.
My real life is stressful enough.
You must be quick study of linguistics:
Let me help you with a few:
“No drama”: I just want to screw, no strings
“Successful”: …at everything but dating; probably a huge a-hole
“Networking”: this ain’t LinkedIn
“Equal opportunity dating”: I’m confused and maybe he is too. Just say bi-sexual and call it a day dude
Swipe left in ALL cases where the profile picture is any of the following (at least that’s what I did and here’s why)
Him with a picture of a female that looks like they could be dating: you can fix that, he put zero effort into his profile; sure it could be his kid, but I don’t swipe ’cause your kid is cute
Body parts: self explanatory
Stupid Quotes: stupid hurts
All his pics are him with his boys: for whatever reason this screams train to me…and not the one I’m confessing on
All dark, blurry pics: he’s a duck and trying to trap you with a winning personality.
If his photo creeps you out: Trust yourself!
Initially, I was having a BLAST! I laughed for at least 24 good hours. But after being called a prude, told I lack spontaneity, and hung up on; it was becoming a little less amusing.
If you continue I ask you to simply not comprehend what you want but hear what I’m actually saying! It’s only my story, my experience, and my opinions.
I’m convinced there is a reason a man that on paper seems highly successful, is on a site like this. In my short exposure that reason lies somewhere between he’s recently divorced (uh me, so no judgement) and/ or an insufferable asshole looking for a woman with damaged self worth.
This is not an absolute but every man who became angry (and I mean downright pissy) with me did so simply because I wouldn’t acquiesce to some demand they made of me.
Not meet for dinner, not for a walk in the park…naw…just come through. Now look, I’m grown (and I hope you are too if you’re reading my blog). So listen, if I want to I will, but I will not be forced, named called or bullied out of my nookie!
Verdict: It’s a no for me, dog!
I’ll leave you with these highlights:
The white dude that lives in a predominantly black neighborhood wanted to “chill”…no real convo just come through…Unmatch
I was called rude because I asked the question in their profile….sorry didn’t know reading was a crime…Unmatch
I was asked to only speak to them and no other man because they don’t talk to women who talk to other men. That’s noble bro but you do know you’re on a dating site….Unmatch
Finally, I’m excited…he sounded like he had it going on…we had the same interest, the conversation was going so well…UNTIL he got SUPER PISSED because I would not throw on some clothes and meet him at a random Starbucks. WTH! …Unmatch
Now understand, it wasn’t all bad but those confessions will be in my book, which should be on shelves Fall 2018!